This too shall pass… When I was teenager, I heard this saying during a difficult time in my life and adopted it as a mantra that helped me through breakups, cross-country moves, deployments, illness, injury and the deaths of loved ones. It was a reassuring reminder during the darker days that the sun would shine again. When I awoke today to dark, rainy skies and the reality of a shocking election results, I immediately summoned my mantra as I wondered how I would move on through my disappointment and disbelief.

This too shall pass… As the day went on, I recalled how as an 11 year old I woke up after the 1976 election in a panic because a peanut farmer would be president. Social media posts reminded me how people said the world would end with an actor president or our first black president. Well, guess what? We lived. And I survived today, focusing on my work and the people I serve on a daily basis. While it’s disappointing to see some negative and disparaging comments in my Facebook feed, I am also encouraged by the positive posts about moving on, working together and making a difference at our own level. We are resilient and we take care of each other. Besides, it turns out that the actor turned out to be a successful president and the peanut farmer has made a darn good former president. Perspective helps. Presidents are important, but they are but one cog in the giant American machine.

This too shall pass… Now that I am older, I know that this phrase goes both ways. In the throes of victory and the best of times, I am always the cynic, aware that all good things eventually come to an end. We may experience amazing success and great periods of happiness in our lives, but we will also eventually experience failure and sadness. I have won some great government contracts and built some amazing award-winning teams, only to lose that work later and disband those teams.  Facebook’s Timehop feature regularly reminds me that I have set personal records and performed great feats of strength at the gym, while I am currently on crutches and relearning how to walk. Even the Chicago Cubs know that once their much deserved celebration is over, they must begin again.

Today, while some are celebrating a win, others are mourning a loss. After the inauguration, the line between the “winners” and “losers” will blur and this too, shall pass. The winners will have a lot of work ahead of them. After all, it’s no small feat to repeal a flawed healthcare system or build a giant wall, especially when half the country isn’t with you. The winners will soon face the inevitable fact that an administration change isn’t a quick fix and it’s extremely difficult to get things done in government. The losers have a lot to sort out, too. They have some soul-searching to do on where things went wrong for them and how they can make a difference going forward. They will have to step forth and help, resisting the urge to gloat when the new administration makes mistakes, as new administrations are bound to do. Regardless of where you fall, this too, shall pass, and we will move forward  as American always do, working together with kindness and understanding.

I realize that it’s been about a year since I started this blog and I have written almost nothing since its beginning. My how time flies when you’re having fun!

Around this time last year, I learned that my company lost the bid for continued work on a significant contract that I oversee, including the content management of the Military OneSource website. Such is life in government contracting—you win some, you lose some. In the months since then, I found myself frequently telling my team that if you can’t handle change, you need to get out of government contracting. I personally thrive on change, but even so, it’s never easy, especially when it is dragged out over a year.

Today marks the first time in 14 years that I am not in some way responsible for the Military OneSource website. I was the program manager at Headquarters Marine Corps when we launched the pilot program in 2002, eventually moving over to lead the contractor teams providing the work. I started as an enthusiastic Marine spouse with a passion for ensuring that service members and their families have all of the information they needed to live a resilient military life. We helped them through war, deployments, reunions, and relocations. I worked with dozens of talented government and contractor teammates who shared that passion as we launched numerous redesigns and expanded into the social media world. We never lost sight that this was the pinnacle of military community support and we were fortunate to serve. My, how we have grown!

I hate sentimentality. I prefer to say, “See ya later!” rather than “Farewell.” There are all kinds of sayings that apply: One door closes and another opens; don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened; that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; life is hard, and then you die! I prefer to think of myself as a honey badger—chewing the scenery and taking no prisoners as I charge through life. My company and I have other work to do and we are focused on the future. We are all moving on, knowing that we are better professionals and individuals than we were before, molded by the work and experiences we shared as we helped others.

The site will continue. It will change and grow. It might get better. I hope it does, but it’s hard to imagine that it will knowing that I still have the A team. We’re a hard act to follow. What I do know for sure is that what we did matters to so many, and for that I am one proud honey badger.

I don’t know who this is. She is too cute to be me or SHM, but she reps the concept well.

Anyone who knows me well knows that every once in a while, Self-Hate Mary (SHM) makes an occasional appearance, oozing sarcasm, playing depressing Counting Crows songs on repeat, and devouring chocolate, cheese and wine (not at the same time). Not to be confused with “Scary Mary,” the boss who thinks her employees actually laugh at her jokes because she is funny and not because they have to, SHM completely disregards my usual awesomeness and reminds me of my every imperfection. Contract drama and angsty employees at work, repeated injuries, bad eating habits and resulting weight gain, messy house, never enough time to get things done, always  letting everyone down. She is merciless.

Motivational lyrics by Counting Crows, a SHM favorite

I usually find a way to I kick her to the curb and move on, but not without some wailing, gnashing of teeth, and in depth heart-to-hearts with my husband and savior, St. Thomas of Peoria/aka CrossFit Gary/aka Mr T/aka TFC/aka the most interesting man in the world.

Our talks usually go something like this:

SHM: Blah, blah, blah. I suck. No one appreciates me. I’m fat and I suck.
St. Thomas: You’re amazing. You can do anything you set your mind to. You should do ______________.
SHM: You don’t get it. Blah, blah, I suck, no one cares, I can’t do anything right. I shoulda, coulda, blah, blah, blah.
St. Thomas: You should do _______________. Just make the decision to do it.
SHM: It’s not that easy. Why are you arguing with me? Blah, blah, blah. I suck.
St. Thomas: Is this is one of those conversations where I am supposed to listen to you whine and NOT provide solutions?

So… the bitch is back this week and she has been telling me that I am not working hard enough, I’ll never get over my injuries, I’m getting fatter and weaker, I’m old, I fed my children PopTarts 20 years ago thereby stunting their physical and intellectual growth, I don’t call my mother enough (sometimes she’s actually right). The other night St. Thomas and I had a rare moment alone while we were driving to dinner. The focus of our conversation was on my struggles to take better care of myself.

SHM: I know what I am supposed to do: eat better, cook at home, take my fish oil and supplements, get to the gym more, wear my knee brace, wear my night guard, take an anti-inflammatory, sleep got better, etc. I just hate having to do all of these things that are now required to maintain my health. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
St. Thomas: You just don’t like being told what’s good for you, and you only like to see immediate results.

I can’t even.  Hasn’t this man learned anything in 30 years?

So, we went to Chuy’s Tex Mex and made delicious but less than optimal food choices. As he flagged the waitress down to pay the bill, I pulled out my phone and hammered out a couple of moves in “Words with Friends.” He rolled his eyes at me. He is serious gamer, one who thinks his gaming habits (late at night in the dark with a laptop with Sharknado playing in the background while ignoring any surrounding life forms) are more socially acceptable than my rookie habits (in broad daylight on an iPhone while ignoring any surrounding life forms). I cursed my opponent who just ruined my winning streak. St. Thomas could barely conceal his contempt. On the way out the restaurant, he had an epiphany.

St. Thomas: You know, maybe you should treat your life like you do that game.

Say what? Instantly I knew what he meant. I love my game. In fact, I am obsessed. I started playing a few years ago, but the fixation grew deeper a few months ago when I finally downloaded a some updates and realized I could track my stats. I saw my performance compared to my regular playing partners. To my surprise and horror, I was unbelievably mediocre! I had the exact same number of wins and losses. Before WWF Stats Awareness Day, I played lackadaisically—with no vision. After that day, my life changed. Now, every move matters. I play often and I try to maximize every move. I monitor my performance every day. Slowly but surely, my wins have surpassed my losses. Sure, I have a lot of mediocrity to overcome—I was 750 games in when I started paying attention and I had some bad habits to break. My goal is to win twice as much as I lose, and that’s going to take some commitment. Because I play at least an hour a day, I know I will get there. Now I have awareness, a goal, and the drive to succeed. Some days I will make bad choices, other days I will kill it. Some days I may not have time, but I always come back with a vengeance. One recent evening, my peace-loving non-competitive daughter, disturbed by my evil cackles as I stomped on a “friend” by playing a 95 point word, declared me “sick.” I don’t care. I am a Word Warrior.

It’s taken me months to get my wins to surpass my losses by 20 games.

St. Thomas of Peoria was actually right! You don’t have to be a genius to see how beautiful his analogy is on so many levels. If I spend as much time on my health as I do my game, I will become more badass! If I put as much time into each life decision as I do into the letters I play, I will suck less! If I track my numbers by logging and monitoring my weight, food intake and exercise, I will have a better sense when I am “winning.” If I involve friends, I will be more likely to stay on track and succeed. If I take some time off, I can always come back and start over. More importantly, if I make decisions when I am drunk or tired, I will live to regret it! When it comes down to it, the real fun is in the playing and not the winning, right? Life is not a destination, it’s a journey, right? Well, no. Actually, winning is pretty great, whether it’s at WWF or my health.

St. Thomas IS a genius, but he didn’t invent this gaming concept. There are a lot of life hacks and apps out there on the Interwebs to help me gamify the challenges in my life. Recently on a lazy Saturday afternoon when we were binge-watching some TED Talks on Netflix we came across one by Jane McGonigal about the importance of gaming. She says that gaming actually builds mental and emotional resilience and “provide the perfect platform for mastering life-changing attention skills.” Her book, Super Better is number one on my list of books to download and never finish. I need all the help and tools I can get my hands on if I am going to keep SHM at bay.

And so I begin… formulating a plan to reprioritize and gamify my well-being. Surely I can incorporate my love of shopping into this venture. I KNOW there are some new products I can buy to get this party started (a new high-tech scale, a Fit Bit, some new CrossFit Nano 5.0s maybe?).

I am off to a good start. I already have a great trainer, a supportive family and CrossFit community, and my own personal saint for daily consultations. I will always be on the lookout for a quick fix. I will continue to rage against aging and people telling me what to do. Every time I grab my phone to squeeze in another WWF move, I will remember my real life opponent and how I won’t let her get the best of me. My skirmishes with SHM will not disappear forever; after all, she is an integral part of my psyche. Self-Hate Mary makes me a stronger person, an understanding boss, and a compassionate coach. But maybe now, SHM can actually be my friend–one who challenges me and makes me a better me, even if I have to kick her butt from time to time.

In my DoD contracting day job, we recently submitted a proposal for some important work. It’s actually the work we already do with new work added, so basically we have to recompete for our jobs. That’s another story for another day (maybe covered by 60 Minutes) but I digress. For those who aren’t familiar with government contracting, this kind of proposal work is no kidding hard work stretched over a brief, defined period of time (in this case, about a month). We had been preparing for months knowing it was coming, and when the announcement came, we were ready. We worked hard over many long days and nights. We hit bumps along the way but we always recovered and got back on course. Some of my team members pulled off what appeared to be miracles, creating amazing and innovative solutions that we didn’t think were possible. In the end, we delivered an amazing proposal and I am honored to be a part of such a great team. Even if we don’t win, we have something to make us proud.

Why do I mention this? Being the CrossFit junkie that I am, I always see real life parallels between what happens at the box and what happens in life, especially the workplace. Working on this proposal was like preparing for a big WOD (Workout of the Day for the non-CFers) or a competition. You plan for it and prepare. When it’s starts, it’s like hearing 3,2,1…GO! Adrenaline flows, emotions flare. Once you’re in it, you work harder than you thought you could. Hopefully you follow your plan, but you may have to adjust. There are times when you want to quit, and you may take a quick breather and then get back on it. You may surprise yourself by doing something you’ve never done before. In the end, you deliver. You may win, you may lose, or you may have a personal best. Hopefully, you have surrounded yourself with a good team—people who bring out the best in you and people who cheer for you because they know you and want you to succeed. Whatever happens, you learn and that experience becomes part of who you are. Then you start the whole process over again!

One thing I can say for sure. Even though this proposal kept me from making it to the gym regularly throughout the last month, the time I have spent training has truly helped me to make it through this tough work time. I capitalized on my strengths while relying heavily on the strengths of others to make up for my gaps. I have gained physical and mental stamina that made it easier for me to push through reviewing complicated text or completing boring administrative tasks late at night when all I wanted was to sleep. I was pushed out of my comfort zone but I gained some new skills. I had confidence in myself and my team that made it easy for us all to push through together. I am pretty sure we are going to win, and if we don’t, I can be confident that this was a personal best for a lot of us. If we lose, we will be gracious and do what we can to help the incoming team. Just know that in my mind, I will be flipping each and every one of them like a 350lb tire, watching them flop on the ground with a thud. I am, after all, a competitor at heart. And God help them if they ever have to compete against me again, because I will be ready.

Did someone say tire flip?

I’ll be back at the box today, coaching at 0600 and then working with a trainer to renew my commitment. Tomorrow I get to watch all of our CrossFit Annandale athletes compete against each other in small internal competition. I can’t wait to find out what lessons are in store for me next!

If I started blogging when I first purchased this WordPress account, I’d have about a hundred posts by now. If I posted every time I identified a great topic or stream of consciousness going, I’d probably have about a hundred more posts. Add in the times that someone told me, “You need to blog about that—I’d totally read it” and who knows how many followers I would have. I am quite possibly the greatest blogger whose words never made it out of her head.

Enough! I am tired of not doing what I say I will do, and avoiding what I know is good for me. I am not going to worry about having months of posts prepared. I don’t care about people liking what I say or following me. I don’t think my perspective is going to be any better than anyone else’s. There are certainly a lot of middle-aged women who have something to say about fitness, aging, spouses, children, relationships, work/life, stress, and the evolution of the man bun. God knows we don’t need another person posting their CrossFit WODs, although I might do that occasionally. But I know that the best way for me to make it through this life is to do interesting things, people watch and learn, and then spout off about it. So that’s what I am going to do, hopefully a couple of days week. I try to say what I do and do what I say so my integrity is at stake here. Stay tuned…